Monday, March 19, 2012

Why, Michael Bay? Why?

Dear Mr. Bay,

I heard from various news outlets today, that you are taking on the project of the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. When I heard that, I was stoked! Armageddon was awesome, and the Aaron Burr: Got Milk? commercial was genius - I even showed that to my 11th graders when I was student teaching. What you did with Transformers was great, although Revenge of The Fallen and Dark of The Moon could have had better plots, and you should have kept Megan Fox, even if she was annoying the shit out of you... alright, I'm getting a bit off track here. 

Then, like a silent fart, bitch slapping our olfactory systems without warning, you stunned us all with these words.

Michael Bay talks Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by stuffwelike

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as lovable aliens? Lovable? Absolutely. Aliens? Sorry, the only lovable aliens I'm down with are ALF, Data, E.T., Mork, Spock and a handful of characters from Star Wars

Did you not notice the word mutant in their description? Have you not read the comic books, watched the animated series, or any of the movies (even though, I will admit, most of the films were subpar)?

I looked up the words mutant and mutation, to make sure I wasn't going crazy.

mutant (noun): of, relating to, or produced by mutation : a significant and basic alteration: change; a relatively permanent change in hereditary material involving either a physical change in chromosome relations or a biochemical change in the codons that make up genes;

Nope, not going crazy.

I know, you're a Hollywood bigwig, you can do whatever you'd like. But who is the goon from the studio that said this was alright? This is worse than any movie remake or sequel. I guess because it was Michael Bay who suggested it, they decided that kissing your rear was worth raping and pillaging one of the coolest parts of the late 80s/early 90s. I'm a girl, and I loved TMNT. It was one of the few things I actually agreed on with my younger brother. I even made sure he didn't destroy his action figures, because I told him that one day, they might be worth something. Those action figures? Still safety nestled in his childhood bedroom, in their special TMNT carrying case. Most of his other toys? Maimed beyond recognition - hey, that sounds like exactly what you're going to do with this film!

Others have spoken out across the internet, but I'm sure we will all be ignored for what Hollywood wants. Why? Because you will probably add a plethora of fancy CGI effects and get the hottest celebrities on board for the film, and clueless morons will still see it, regardless of how far off the storyline is. I, for one, won't be there. If this hits theaters with the turtles as aliens, I won't watch any more of your films. If you're going to fuck with my childhood, I'm not putting a cent back into your greedy Hollywood pocket. This might seem crazy to some, but your storyboard ideas for this film are even crazier.

Please, do the world a favor. Don't turn the turtles into aliens. Giorgio Tsoukalos wouldn't do that, and he and Stephen Hawking are the only two dudes who can pull the alien card.

Michele Falcone

P.S. - If they're aliens, then they're technically not turtles anymore, either. 


  1. Well Said! I think Poochy might be the new Splinter too from where this is going!

  2. You write so well !! Nice :)

    Dear, I am hosting FoxHouse international giveaway currently, where you can win $50 worth of Apparels and Shoes...Would mean a lot...Just click the link below to enter :)

    Enter FoxHouse giveaway and win $50

  3. The funny thing is, I started boycotting Michael Bay films YEARS ago. He fucked with my childhood pretty harshly when he released Transformers. I had no idea a writer/director could mangle anything so tremendously, but he already proved years ago that he has absolutely no respect for licensed IP.

  4. If Bay is capable of doing what he did to The Transformers (and, even worse, insinuated-quite incorrectly, apparently-that Frank Welker's voice had deteriorated o a point where voicing Megatron was no longer within his abilities), it doesn't shock me that he's poised to screw up the TMNT. The guy is not a fan of these shows, and is clearly arrogant enough to ignore all but the loudest of protests.